The Job

I have an interview Tuesday. It is for a accounting position in a manufactoring company. The guy asked me a lot about my band and said if hired I would have to advise his son. He said his son wants to be a musician but he convinced him to go to law school. Funny how this story seems oh so familiar. Little does he know that letting me talk to his son is the worst thing that could happen.

My biggest fear about getting a job is that someone somewhere down the line will realize I know nothing about accounting. I feel like my education is a non-exsistnet. I feel like I am playing a trick on someone, well on everyone and sometime, someone will figure me out. "Wait a minute here, you are an idiot. You don't know anything do you???" And I will say "No, I do not."

I wrote a letter once to my Aunt Susan. She was always the bread winner in the family. When ever we would get together she would always ask me what my future plans are. Once she realized they had nothing to do with accounting she was very baffeled. The letter went unsent but it is a detailed account of how I got to where I am.

I dwell on this often. How I got here, and where I am supposed to go now. I often think it would be easier if I wanted things. If I wanted a fancy car, if I wanted a big house, if I wanted to make $100,000 a year. At least it would give me some direction, something to achive in life. It is here where my views on society and my spiritual views collide.

Material things are just things. I know this. CwG talks about not wanting things, not needing things. So I make that vow. I do not want big fancy things. So why have big fancy job.

It is at this point where my head beings to spin. Thoughts battle thoughts until nothing is left. And I am left confused.

I would love to say I dont care about this. About any of it. But that is not the case. I care very much. That is why its so burdensome.


The Letter:

Dear Suzane,

Thank you for asking about my job search / present situation. I can sense that my situation booth intrigues you and somewhat baffles you. I apologize for not getting in to much detail, but since my father is no longer by my side I would love to tell you the whole story. This will take a while, I’ve only been thinking about this for the last 5 years. I have told my mom most of what you will read but still can’t find it in myself to tell my Dad.

We shall start in my senior year of high school. There were two main events that happened during this time. The first was deciding what college to go to. That was the first problem. The question was not ‘Do you want to go to college?’ The question was ‘what college do you want to go to?’ The second major event was when my dad asked what I wanted to major in. I said music, he said what the hell are you going to do with a music degree. It was in that moment when I realized I would be graduating with nothing but an accounting degree. The way I saw it my dad’s reaction would be the same regardless of any major I picked outside of accounting. (i.e. What the hell are you going to do with a philosophy degree? What the hell would you do with a biology degree?) When the degree is accounting, one can be an accountant. End of Story.

The other thing that happened at the end of high school and beginning of college was that my sister was leaning towards switching majors. After 3 years of accounting classes she would switch to theater arts. Once she graduated with a performing arts degree and went to Disney I did not hear good things from home. The one quote that has stuck out in my head was my mom telling me “I don’t know what’s going on between your sister and your father but he won’t even talk to her.” This also cemented the fact that I would graduate with nothing less then an accounting degree.

So I go to college. My biggest struggle in college was the fact that I did not want to be there. Now, I do not mean this in the sense that I did not enjoy the surroundings or that I wanted to be at BC rather than UVM. I mean it in the sense that I had no desire to be in college. There was nothing that I wanted to go to school for. A good analogy would be going to restaurant. I enjoyed being in the restaurant, there was good company, plenty to drink… I just wasn’t hungry, and there was nothing on the menu that interested me. Why go to a restaurant when you are not hungry, there is no point. Why go to a college when there is nothing in which you want a degree, there is no point. I remember calling my mom in tears begging her… “This is a huge waste of my time and your money.” It is for these reasons that the hardest part of being in college was having to register for classes. Tests were not hard, accounting was not difficult, homework was a breeze…. Registering for classes brought me to tears every semester. I hated it.

Now I would like to take a step back. I know I have been talking about being in college like it was hell on earth. In my case it was, many times the hell was very real. I have also put the blame on my parents, mostly my Dad for putting me in this hell. I do realize that my parents love me. I know that they would only want the best for me. I am grateful that they gave me the opportunity to go to college. I understand that a college degree is something that many people want and most people will not even get near the opportunities that have been laid at my feet. But I only wish it would have been on my terms, doing what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.

So to the question “why were you an accounting major?” the answer is simple. It is the answer any child would give, it is one thing a child would ever want to do. I graduated with an accounting degree to make my parents proud.

Now, onto the next question. What about the job?

You already know how much I enjoyed being in school. The fact of the matter is I did not want to be there. All I did in college was go through the motions. Register for class, show up on time, take my tests, go home and get drunk. Over and over again. I did nothing more than that. Since I put so little into getting my degree, that is how little it actually means to me. In my eyes my degree is worthless. In my mind I did very little to get the degree. I showed up. For four years I showed up. At the end I walked across a stage and now I have a thing called an accounting degree. Big F’n deal.

Now to step back once more. Not many people out there can “show up” and graduate with an accounting degree. I know I am a smart kid, I know I am not stupid. I know “doing very little” to me, might mean doing more or knowing more than many people can. I would be lying to myself if I said I gave it my all and I did everything I could to do well in school. Since I did not do everything I could to me that means I did very little, to me that means I showed up. I am where the truth lies here. Do I hold myself to high standards or did I really just not doing anything but get drunk for four years. I have the degree, I graduated with a GPA of 3.08 so I must have been doing something right. I’m not sure where this paragraph leaves me.

So why do I have no job? I feel no one knows you better than you know yourself. I feel that I know very little about accounting. I feel if I was the president of the company and Adam Chamberlain walked in I would not hire him for the position. I feel I have neither the skill, the experience or the understanding to be an accountant. If I cannot go into an interview with the confidence that I am the right person for this position how could I ever get hired??? If I don’t believe in myself who will???

The final reason I do not have a job… I would first like to say this is not the major reason but it is part of the reason. I feel like I do not have a job to spite my father. What are you going to do with a music degree? Nothing. What I am going to do with an accounting degree? Nothing. Happy now? HA

It’s been a year since graduation. I thought that once college was over all of these feelings would go away and I could get over it. That has not happened. These feelings still keep me up at night. These questions are still with out answer.