Day of Ascension

So I found people that Ascend out here. Last weekend I went out to Jackson (the home of the Republican Party) and met 3 other Ascenders. Our teacher for the day was Orion, Sata could not make it because she had the flu.

The day consisted of Ascending for 4 hours, a brief discussion and 4 more hours of Ascending. So here is what we talked about.

Proper Ascension
When we close our eyes, we can closely watch the mind at work. We can think on and on, and we can follow those thoughts, kinda like a daydream. We can also realize that we are thinking. This realization, that it is the mind that is thinking, is a very important one. For it is when we realize that we are thinking, that we detach ourselves from thinking. It is at that point when we can try and stop the mind from thinking at all.

Exercise #1
To realize that you can watch your mind think try counting your thoughts for one minute. When you close your eyes, sit and wait for your mind to think something, then say one.... keep going for a minute. This is the first step to detaching from your thoughts.

The Quiet Mind
Now that the mind is quiet we can introduce the Ascension Attitude. Without quieting the mind first Ascension is not nearly as effective. Imagine throwing a rock into a stormy sea, you may hardly notice a splash. Now imagine dropping a tiny pebble in a still pond, the ripples will spread far and wide. The same is true for the mind. The attitude will be far less effective if we do not first calm the mind.

Another trap we can get into is the baseball approach. We can quiet the mind so that we can see a thoughts coming slowly, one at a time. When the thought comes, we hit it away by using the attitude. A more effective approach is to acknowledge the thought, release it, then introduce the attitude.

The Space a Thing Takes Up
The final thing we talked about was recognizing the space a thing takes up. Orion placed a small pumpkin on the floor in the middle of the ground. He told us to focus our awareness on the space that, that pumpkin took up. The key here is to just do it. Do not think about it. To me this was a brand new concept. It was something I have never done before. The most important thing he said was to do it, and do not allow your mind to doubt that you are doing it right. Since the instructions were vague, there is no real way of knowing the right way. That was also part of the exercise, there was no right or wrong way to do it, you just do.

A time to practice this exercise is before eating. Orion said that it is a very powerful way of saying grace. He talked about a new type of video camera that captures the energetic make up of objects. One video made was of two people eating meals. One meal was an organically grown salad, the other was a McDonald's hamburger. Now, to begin the energy field surrounding the salad was pretty big, however, the energy around the hamburger was pretty much non-existent. The person eating the salad just started eating. The person eating the burger started to pray, as they did, the energy around the burger began to grow to the point that it surpassed the field around the salad. Orion said, "I am not saying that McDonald's Hamburgers are good for you" but he did stress the importance of saying grace, or praying for your food.

So that was about it for the weekend. I was glad I met everyone and look forward to seeing all of them again.

Abraham-Hicks

I have recently done some reading up on Abraham-Hicks. Now to write it down and see if I truly understand what I have learned so far.

Abraham is a group of non-physical teachers. They communicate through a woman named something Hicks. Her and her husband travel the US and else where and allow people to ask Abraham questions.

Abraham teaches about basic absolute laws of the universe. Many of these laws are based on your thoughts. They say thoughts are a lot more important than most people think they are. They say that your present situation is just the manifestation of prior thoughts. Thus you have created your own reality.

The first law is the law of attraction. They say that like things attrack like things. Example is in our saying "birds of a feather flock together." So when you think of something it is prepaving your future because the physical situation in front of you was attracted by the non-physical thoughts behind you.

The second law is that of delberate creation. This pretty much says that although you have gone through life up until this point creating your life unconciously, now is the the time to create it deliberately.

The next teaching is that of segment intending. We live our lives in segments. Eating brekfest, traveling to work, working, eating, exercising. Therefore we must focus on changing each segment of our life, it is not a shot gun approach. An example of proper segment intending is: prior to getting in your car, think to yourself "I intend for safe travels and a smooth flow of traffic" as opposed to "I hope I don't get in a accident, and I hope I don't get stuck in traffic."

The last teaching is that of allowing. They say we must allow things into our life. They use the word allow rather than tolerate, because tolerating means there is still part of you that is holding back. By allowing you are fully open to things entering your life.

Now some people may not be happy in their present situation. Some may think there is no way I could have created this, to this Abraham says that you did create it. By focusing on the lack of things, you attract the lack of things. To people you find themselves with no money, it is becuase they are worried about not having any money.

Good Vibrations
So why are thoughts so important? Abraham says it is becuase they vibrate. All things in this universe vibrate. When our thoughts vibrate, they attract things that vibrate at the same frequency. So its a game about changing how we vibrate.

Beliefs
In relation to the segments, we have thoughts about each segment of our life. We have thoughts about jobs, relationships, money ect. When we have similar thoughts about these things over time they become beliefs. It is our beliefs that are hardest to change, but it is possible.

Touchstones
They say whether it is a thought or a beliefe the way to change it is to use touchstones. Touchstones are memories of our happiest moments. When we want to change a thought or a beliefe we must do it with not just our thoughts but our emotions. We must FEEL. By placing our mind on those touchstones we can bring back the feeling as well as the thought and thus lift our overall being out of that bad place.

So that is pretty much the teaching. Put it all together and the bottom line is watch your thoughts. Try to think on the positive side of things rather than the negative.

I am not sure if I buy it. I think beliefes are very hard to change. What we believe defines who we are. It is the cumlimantion of everything we have learned and experienced in life up till now. Letting go of beliefs is letting go of everything. However, if you don't like your present situation then that is something you have to do.

On the flip side, what we believe gives us a reflection of our perspective. No matter where we are in life, it is only a small perception change away from ultimate joy and happiness. So it can be said that changing perception also changes thoughts, and vice versa.

So if you agree with Abraham on the notion that we need to change our thoughts, the next question is how do we do this?

They say use the touchstones. In my mind I do not see how, for example, I have the thought "I have no moeny." They say change the thought. So now I think " I have lots of moeny." However, this is not true and more importantly it does not FEEL true. I know I am just saying it, it has no meaning to me. So at this point Abraham says, think about a better feeling to get you out of this funk. For myself this seems very hard. Forcing the mind to think differently about our thoughts and beliefs. The mind has gone down that road so many times before, to force it elsewhere seems very challenging to me.

All in all, Abraham sums up this teaching with 4 simple spets.
1. Decide what you do not want in your life.
2. Decide what you want in your life.
3. Create a vibrational match of that thing, by thinking good thoughts about it.
4. Allow it into your life.
And there it is.

Abraham vs. Conversations with God

Previously I stated that CwG tells us not to want. It states do not want things. All thoughts are creative. The universe is just a big copy machine for your thoughts. Putting it all together, if you want something, the universe gives you the experience of wanting something.

Example
You say "God, I want a new car" and God says "yes, you do, you want a new car"

I took this to mean that you should never want things, since wanting things means you will never get those things. However, I am just now learning that wanting is a very important step in creating. My thoughts about this should read "You will never get those things by ONLY wanting, you must do more." Wanting is important because it is the first step in creation. If you do not want anything, you will not get anything because you will not have the drive to make it so.

Now, we can go much further into this. Abraham and CwG both say that a lot about DOING. They say you can get what you want by doing very little.

Abraham says that positive thinking is the prepaving of things to come into your life. Therefore you there is little doing involved, only living long enough to get to the point at which your thoughts have been made manifest. In other words, there is no doing, it just shows up.

Conversations talks about the Be-Do-Have Relationship. Most people live that backwards. They say if I only had the things I want, I could do that things I want to do, then I could be the thing I most want to be.

Example.
If I only had $1,000,000, then I could do the thing I want to do, in this case being, buy you a monkey (you always wanted a monkey). And finally I could be the thing I want to be , I'd be rich. Ok so if rich is not good enough, I know money is good but more importantly than that all people want to BE happy.

So to reverse this.
If we are happy, then we do the things happy people do and end up having the things happy people have.

So anyways that is what I have learned about Abraham.
the end

DMB and Neil Young

I have not posted about it yet but just wanted to say a few words.

After seeing DMB so many times I am accustomed to how hard the rock. Now I know they don't rock that hard compared to a metal band but in their own way, they rock. I am also familiar with the form of their songs and the jams within them. I know some nights they reach a certain intensity that is higher than others but for the most part they are consistent in their peaks and valleys.

Neil Young blew the band out of the water. Single-handedly took the music to a level I have never seen or heard before. It was an incredible experience to be a part of when one person can have such a dramatic effect on an audience. The cliche "he blew the rough of the place" was never more real to me.

Zen Guitar is a book that talks about the power that musicians have. It is not necessarily the notes played but how they are played, and how the performer connects to the audience. While reading the book I was reminded of the times I saw Sanatana and the experience I had of watching him perform. It was like non other. He had a way of connecting through his instrument on a higher level. He is truly a master on his instrument.

With Neil it was a similar experience but a lot more intense. The emotion he brought out of both the band. the audience and myself was like nothing I have experienced before. It was and still is baffling as to how one person could get on stage and have such command.

I am not sure if I have truly grasped the emotion of that night, but hopefully you can gain a sense of what it was like.

This week

Alright, so that last post was rediculous.

I am looking forward to this week. I am going to see Tommy Igoe. He was my drum teacher's, drum teacher. He wrote the drum set and percussion score for the Broadway version of the Lion King. (Yeah he is badass). I had one other opprotunity to see him, but go figure Dave played Boston that night. It was actually the first time I ever saw Dave. And that is pretty ironic because this time when I see him I have tickets to go see Jamie Cullum that night. I am hoping I do not show up too late for that because I definitly want to go to see Tommy Igoe.

Tommy just released a new instructional DVD. I downloaded some clips off the Vic Firth website and it just him playing drum grooves. I am not sure how this would help anyone if that is all it is. Hopefully there is a little more to it that that.

I read some where this week that drummers have a second voice. The first voice is what you hear. The cymbols, the snare and the bass drum. Put them all together and you get a beat. The second voice is what you feel. All of these sounds come together in particular order and something magical happens. The inside comes out. That is why 3 drummers can play the same notes, on the same drums but it will sound three different ways. I dont think that is limited to just drummers though. The second voice. I think every muscian has that, I think every artist has it for that matter. It is what makes the greats great.

The Job

I have an interview Tuesday. It is for a accounting position in a manufactoring company. The guy asked me a lot about my band and said if hired I would have to advise his son. He said his son wants to be a musician but he convinced him to go to law school. Funny how this story seems oh so familiar. Little does he know that letting me talk to his son is the worst thing that could happen.

My biggest fear about getting a job is that someone somewhere down the line will realize I know nothing about accounting. I feel like my education is a non-exsistnet. I feel like I am playing a trick on someone, well on everyone and sometime, someone will figure me out. "Wait a minute here, you are an idiot. You don't know anything do you???" And I will say "No, I do not."

I wrote a letter once to my Aunt Susan. She was always the bread winner in the family. When ever we would get together she would always ask me what my future plans are. Once she realized they had nothing to do with accounting she was very baffeled. The letter went unsent but it is a detailed account of how I got to where I am.

I dwell on this often. How I got here, and where I am supposed to go now. I often think it would be easier if I wanted things. If I wanted a fancy car, if I wanted a big house, if I wanted to make $100,000 a year. At least it would give me some direction, something to achive in life. It is here where my views on society and my spiritual views collide.

Material things are just things. I know this. CwG talks about not wanting things, not needing things. So I make that vow. I do not want big fancy things. So why have big fancy job.

It is at this point where my head beings to spin. Thoughts battle thoughts until nothing is left. And I am left confused.

I would love to say I dont care about this. About any of it. But that is not the case. I care very much. That is why its so burdensome.


The Letter:

Dear Suzane,

Thank you for asking about my job search / present situation. I can sense that my situation booth intrigues you and somewhat baffles you. I apologize for not getting in to much detail, but since my father is no longer by my side I would love to tell you the whole story. This will take a while, I’ve only been thinking about this for the last 5 years. I have told my mom most of what you will read but still can’t find it in myself to tell my Dad.

We shall start in my senior year of high school. There were two main events that happened during this time. The first was deciding what college to go to. That was the first problem. The question was not ‘Do you want to go to college?’ The question was ‘what college do you want to go to?’ The second major event was when my dad asked what I wanted to major in. I said music, he said what the hell are you going to do with a music degree. It was in that moment when I realized I would be graduating with nothing but an accounting degree. The way I saw it my dad’s reaction would be the same regardless of any major I picked outside of accounting. (i.e. What the hell are you going to do with a philosophy degree? What the hell would you do with a biology degree?) When the degree is accounting, one can be an accountant. End of Story.

The other thing that happened at the end of high school and beginning of college was that my sister was leaning towards switching majors. After 3 years of accounting classes she would switch to theater arts. Once she graduated with a performing arts degree and went to Disney I did not hear good things from home. The one quote that has stuck out in my head was my mom telling me “I don’t know what’s going on between your sister and your father but he won’t even talk to her.” This also cemented the fact that I would graduate with nothing less then an accounting degree.

So I go to college. My biggest struggle in college was the fact that I did not want to be there. Now, I do not mean this in the sense that I did not enjoy the surroundings or that I wanted to be at BC rather than UVM. I mean it in the sense that I had no desire to be in college. There was nothing that I wanted to go to school for. A good analogy would be going to restaurant. I enjoyed being in the restaurant, there was good company, plenty to drink… I just wasn’t hungry, and there was nothing on the menu that interested me. Why go to a restaurant when you are not hungry, there is no point. Why go to a college when there is nothing in which you want a degree, there is no point. I remember calling my mom in tears begging her… “This is a huge waste of my time and your money.” It is for these reasons that the hardest part of being in college was having to register for classes. Tests were not hard, accounting was not difficult, homework was a breeze…. Registering for classes brought me to tears every semester. I hated it.

Now I would like to take a step back. I know I have been talking about being in college like it was hell on earth. In my case it was, many times the hell was very real. I have also put the blame on my parents, mostly my Dad for putting me in this hell. I do realize that my parents love me. I know that they would only want the best for me. I am grateful that they gave me the opportunity to go to college. I understand that a college degree is something that many people want and most people will not even get near the opportunities that have been laid at my feet. But I only wish it would have been on my terms, doing what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.

So to the question “why were you an accounting major?” the answer is simple. It is the answer any child would give, it is one thing a child would ever want to do. I graduated with an accounting degree to make my parents proud.

Now, onto the next question. What about the job?

You already know how much I enjoyed being in school. The fact of the matter is I did not want to be there. All I did in college was go through the motions. Register for class, show up on time, take my tests, go home and get drunk. Over and over again. I did nothing more than that. Since I put so little into getting my degree, that is how little it actually means to me. In my eyes my degree is worthless. In my mind I did very little to get the degree. I showed up. For four years I showed up. At the end I walked across a stage and now I have a thing called an accounting degree. Big F’n deal.

Now to step back once more. Not many people out there can “show up” and graduate with an accounting degree. I know I am a smart kid, I know I am not stupid. I know “doing very little” to me, might mean doing more or knowing more than many people can. I would be lying to myself if I said I gave it my all and I did everything I could to do well in school. Since I did not do everything I could to me that means I did very little, to me that means I showed up. I am where the truth lies here. Do I hold myself to high standards or did I really just not doing anything but get drunk for four years. I have the degree, I graduated with a GPA of 3.08 so I must have been doing something right. I’m not sure where this paragraph leaves me.

So why do I have no job? I feel no one knows you better than you know yourself. I feel that I know very little about accounting. I feel if I was the president of the company and Adam Chamberlain walked in I would not hire him for the position. I feel I have neither the skill, the experience or the understanding to be an accountant. If I cannot go into an interview with the confidence that I am the right person for this position how could I ever get hired??? If I don’t believe in myself who will???

The final reason I do not have a job… I would first like to say this is not the major reason but it is part of the reason. I feel like I do not have a job to spite my father. What are you going to do with a music degree? Nothing. What I am going to do with an accounting degree? Nothing. Happy now? HA

It’s been a year since graduation. I thought that once college was over all of these feelings would go away and I could get over it. That has not happened. These feelings still keep me up at night. These questions are still with out answer.

People in Michigan

There are a few things I have realized about people in Michigan but the thing that bothers me most is their paranoia.

It seems like people here think that everyone is out to get them. When we had the garage sale Irene and Teresa didn't want to talk to any of the neighbors. They felt that the neighbors where "being nosey" and "wanting to know all about their business." Now, Chuck has lived in the house all his life, all the neighbors know that he has cancer and they just want to know how he is doing. To me I feel they are just being nice neighbors. But to Irene, "you can't talk to them; they just want to know when they can come to get all the tools out of Chuck's shop."

I guess it is little things too. Just little comments. Bad things happen to everyone, it is a matter of how that event is judged by the person it happened to. I feel people out here judge bad things that happen to them as the world being out to get them.

I am not sure why people feel this way. I do not know if it is something about suburbia that I am not used to, or if it is the workings of Bush's fear tactics being made manifest into daily life. But I am not familiar with people having so much fear. For the last few years of being in college I was surrounded by those who think they are invincible. The only thing people feared in college was how well they would do on mid-terms and finals. Not that their professors were out to get them and make their lives miserable. There was no mal-intent to finals, finals were just finals.

This weeks interviews

So 3 interviews this week. No call back as of yet for a second interview. The two staffing firms said they should be able to find something for me. Blah blah blah

What I have learned these last few days was that I lied to these people. Thursday I went to Dixon and Associates and told them one of my goals in life is to become a CPA. I lied to her. I looked her straight in the face and told her something that was not true. The thing is I didn't realize how big of a lie it was until I said it.

Today at the staffing agency Gretchen asked me if money was not an option what would my ideal job be? To play music. I want my life to be about music. I am just realizing now that, that is okay.

Next week I am going to go to Guitar Center. I know of some other custom drum stores around here. I want to work around music.

I have played my drums once since I got here. I have played them a handful of times since TKV broke up. That is not okay. I do not know what I would do if I heard that Rebecca had not picked up her guitar in the last 6 months. That would be insane to me. Why is it not insane then, for me, to not have played drums. It is insane.

I am just realizing all this. I have changed. It wasn't until I had to sit in front of someone, look them in the eye and say "I want to be an accountant," that I realized how just flat out wrong that is to me. I could care less about accounting or any job my degree may bring me.

I am very thankful for this week.